In Response to Complaints Against Our “Halloween Service Announcement“
By Mariela Hudson
We here at Hollow Weekly take our jobs very seriously. Being the only real source of local news, we have a responsibility to this community to deliver informative and high quality content.
And so, it is with a heavy heart that this reporter admits a folly of the gravest nature. We have failed in this most sacred promise.
And our crime?
We stooped so low as to post something like a silly service announcement.
For Shame! Horrible! We’re practically worse than every dictator that’s existed in the last 100 years. Hitler! Stalin! Pol Pot! The Orange Menace! These guys got nothing on us!
We owe our bereaved readers an explanation. Monday, our very own culture correspondent and daily séance coordinator, Regina Carlisle, pitched a story idea to our overworked staff. It was something or other about mirrors. Our associate editor-in-chief, September Knight, ok’d the idea before promptly passing out on the conference table.
For the next twelve hours, Carlisle did her utmost to produce quality content but by Tuesday morning, she produced the accursed piece. She suspects that it might’ve had something to do with the amount of Kahlua she dumped into her coffee before editing.
Regardless, the piece was sent off to print and post without proper peer review. The aftermath can be seen in the comment section of our newspaper’s Facebook page.
Apparently, some people can’t take a joke. What could’ve been dismissed as a funny Halloween piece blew up into people accusing our newsroom of psychological trauma. No one wants to be accused of being a monster and it’s an unfortunate truth that some people are more consumed by the label than the acts that can make someone an actual monster. And those commenters who are literal monsters like “TheRealNeckBiter83” and “Mummy4Life,” I’m not quite sure how we offended you. Please share more of your thoughts so that we can better understand your need to complain.
But I digress. I, along with everyone else in the newsroom offer our most deepest, sincerest, and needless apology. And no, calling for all of us to burn ourselves on the nearest stake wasn’t counterintuitive to your argument. All of you darlings are the furthest from monsters. You are the most saintly and above reproach creatures as you believe yourselves to be.