Musings

Infected With Bitterness

There are times when I’m a well of bitter emotions. Negative thoughts tiptoe into my head like a bogeyman in the night. A curse is cast over my body that makes my heart go a quiver with repressed anger and angst. My throat gets choked with feeling and the dam in my eyes brims to bursting. I’m a frustrated crier; a covert emo kid disillusioned with the world and my place within it. I am infected with bitterness.

These negative emotions like anger, sadness, envy and others of the like are a strange weight on the heart. They’re things I tend to bottle inside and, in consequence, it makes certain task harder to do. Instead I’m fidgety with agitation, wanting to do something but feeling unable to focus my mind on the thing I so desperately want to do.

Normally, I don’t like discussing negativity. This is especially true in relation to my own life. I try (emphasis on try) to be a positive voice for the people in my life. But being human makes us all more partial to the negative aspects of ourselves. I’m human (at least since the last time I checked) and I’m no exception to this. I get angry, I get sad, I get bitter. I think thoughts that I cringe at upon deeper reflection and constantly wonder if I’m a bad person.

Negativity has characterized a good portion of my year thus far. It’s been filled with life adjustments and pitfalls. I sometimes feel like a leaf being tossed and thrown whichever way in the wind known as life. A lot of things right now are uncertain and I hate uncertainty.

Despite all the hills and valleys I’ve ridden in the rollercoaster ride known as 2016, I try to remain positive. Sure, I wake up each morning thinking about all the things that can go wrong but follow-up with the question, “Could it really get that bad?”

I try to tell myself that nothing will get better if I dwell on all the things that suck right now. It just won’t. I will fully admit right now that knowing this doesn’t always make things okay. But it’s a good stepping stone to improve or, at least, keep above water.

I find that writing does a lot in at least taking the edge off these feelings. Please pardon this little rant with all its pretty metaphors and general emotional ickiness.

 

I hope to write on lighter topics in the future.

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