Dead Street, known for its hustle and bustle during the twilight hours, has grown to be a source of anxiety for all who take up residence on that narrow road. No one wants to live on it. When relatives or friends want to visit its many inhabitants, it was hard to confess that they lived on Dead Street, right off the corner of Hangman Avenue. It simply could not be done without the sting of biting judgment.
Many of its residents have petitioned the local government for a name change but Mayor Baldwin had a morbid sense of humor. He made it quite the tourist attraction. When pressed, he asked its residents why they wouldn’t simply move away to another appropriately named street or why on earth they decided to take up residence on that street in the first place.
“I mean, that street has proudly bore its name for the last fifty years without much complaint,” Baldwin said in a statement.
The people of this little road were emphatically upset with the mayor’s tepid response. One of the first to call him out on it was Ms. Keklan Rider, head of the Foundation for a Better Name.
“The mayor made it sound so easy. Just simply moving away. Does he know we are currently in the middle of a housing crisis? Does he know that a good deal of our assets have already been poured into our homes?” Rider said during last Saturday’s press conference.
“The mayor should be listening to its citizens. Looking out for their best interest. Not trying to make money off the backs of our hardworking residents.”
Other residents have expressed their outrage.
“The audacity?! Simply get up and leave! Who does this mayor think he is?” cried Ms. Faerie Night, resident of 1278 Dead Street.
The frustration with Dead Street’s name is nothing new for this town but protest have been ramping up after an incident last week.
Last Monday, someone did everyone in the neighborhood a disservice by dying on Dead Street. Now everyone in the more respectably named streets are judging them.
“Thanks for nothing, old lady Bateman,” cried Mr. Gregory Blood, resident of 1933 Dead Street. “She could’ve just as easily died of a heart attack or one of her cats smothering her in her sleep, but since she lived on Dead Street the place must be haunted.”
Now the neighbor kids won’t leave these poor inhabitants alone. Teenagers dare each other to walk down it during the night time hours. Children make up haunting taunts about the neighbors in creepy sing songs as they pass by it on their way to school.
Some have even started making up outrageous stories of how a family was murdered on 1005 Dead Street last summer during a full moon. Mr. Tyler Webber, resident of 1005 Dead Street, said he threatens to kill his wife once and all these horrible lies are being spread about him. He cursed the street, so obviously the one true bane of his existence.
Another rumor was that a coven of witches living in the house on 13 Dead Street were responsible for the death of a kid who lived on Burning Tree Avenue. In a public statement they said that just because they did their nature ritual in that park doesn’t mean they sacrificed a kid to the tree spirits.
“Trees are most obviously herbivores,” said Audre Barks, head of the witch coven.
“All these vicious rumors. It must be because we live on Dead Street!”
When asked if this possibly made the trees cannibals, she disappeared in a puff of smoke.
So what should be done? Should the residents suck it up and hope the value of their houses don’t fall because they live on a certain ill-fated street? Or, alternatively, should the mayor concede to the command of these concerned citizens and simply change the name?
All the residents of Dead Street will be protesting this Sunday at around midnight in front of city hall to demand a name change. If you would like to participate, and are very much among the living, the community urges you to lend it your support.
“It would really help us out,” said Wolf Banesly, resident of 1500 Dead Street.
“All the living should want the change. And I don’t mean to be deadist, but if you happen to be dead, please don’t attend the event. Dead Street already has enough of a bad rep as it is.”
Riger Mortis, a spokesman for the Society of the Dead, has released a statement that they will be holding their own anti-living rally around the same time the Dead Street protesters will be holding theirs.
After uttering a few indecipherable phrases, he released a transcript explaining their reason for doing so.
“Dead Street means a lot to the dead community. It stands as one of the few testaments to zombie pride. Just because it makes you uncomfortable doesn’t mean you have a right to change it. We are all taking a stand against this blatant act of deadism.”
When asked if the dead community was over reacting to Mr. Banesley comment, Riger Mortis’ jaw dropped to the floor. In his translated response, Mortis made it clear that Banesley’s comment was representative of the challenges dead people face around the world.
“We are more than engaging in some petty squabble. We are standing up for the rights of Dead people everywhere.”
Final Edit: 29 March 2016